Dividing Dispositions

Currently: wiping tear droplets off my keyboard in the darkness with my suitcase locked and upright towards the left of the hotel bed. 

There is a weird pull and divide of my heart about the thought of returning back to Brisbane. It warms me to know I have a place to call home; a place to miss and yearn for. A place where all my loved and close ones lie. Equal to this is a feeling of somewhat incompleteness. Difficult to describe, and probably difficult to understand too. The best way I can explain is through an analogy of moulding or cutting a jigsaw puzzle piece differently to its prior state, and then trying to squeeze it back into its original spot. It just doesn’t fit. People say that it’s just regular travel blues of heading back to reality after a vacation. But that just doesn’t cut it for me, because I don’t want my reality to be just a casual pharmacy assistant job, a 3rd year university student or a 18 year old girl who just goes shopping on the weekends. I won’t accept it which is maybe why I feel so strongly about not wanting to go home. If someone came and handed me a plane ticket of my choosing (seriously, what a nice person first of all), I would take it in a second and be ready to go.

Each time I travel it adds fuel to the fire of a burning desire inside me. A desire to do more, to see more, and to be more. I feel you are your truest self when on holiday. You let go of everything and for a lot of people you listen to what you want, and you take care of yourself for the first time in a while. You’re happiness becomes above everything else. And this isn’t too say that back home everyone cannot fully and wholey be happy. You can. But for me, I just need to achieve it differently. This requires constantly moving. I cannot be in the one place for a long time. I don’t want to fall into a routine. I don’t want to live a day stuck in my own boredom and procrastination.

So I’m not sure what this means now. Maybe my life requires a change, and I can reassure myself and others that I’m ready to make it. Whether small or big, deletion or addition, physicality or mentality; change will come. Thank you Hawaii for showing me a new side to life, and a hidden part of myself. I came, I saw, I conquered.

Now let the new adventure begin.

Katelyn, X.

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