Change is not an enemy, nor is it a foe, it is simply a friend in fear – written by me on the back of a pharmacy receipt at 4pm in an undercover carpark, December 2017.
I was born with an itch. Not like scabies or shingles or anything (although I did suffer from mild psoriasis when I was younger) – no, this is one of those metaphysical itches. Quite often in my years of growth, I would sometimes stop and have an overwhelming reminder of mortality, existence and the timely process and course of life. As my hair grew longer, my pores grew larger and my legs became thicker, my personal obsession over horology and evolution became close to astronomical. Time and change have, and will always continue, to completely baffle me.
Maybe I have to go all the way back to 1500BC to sarcastically thank the Egyptians for my multiple headaches, tears and hair loss. Who was the smart chap that decided we should record the passage of time by casting shadows, crossbars and nonlinear rules? Where did the terms past, present and future get created, and when did they start to add meaning to our daily human lives? What are multiple dimensions and how does the cycles of the moon and the natural rotation of the Earth personally influence me everyday? Also, on a side note, why do I even fucking care?!
You see, I’m a victim of the worry warts. I get these internal boils that bubble beneath my skins surface and penetrate into the consciousness of my soul, knocking hard on the interrogative tools of how, what, where, why and when. (I realise now how repulsive and unattractive these skin analogies are – I promise that was the last one). Sometimes I fear that time is accelerating too fast and other times it’s like the whole world has stopped on its axis and I’m walking in a shell of invisibility through a ghost town. Lately, I feel like it’s been the former.
People are growing up too fast, technology is consuming our brain cells and somehow we are already in 2018?! There is a large possibility that I’m very frightened of how much I’ve done in my life, and how much there is still left to do. This is not always a negative reflection. As strange as it may be, the current reason for my concern over time and change is indeed because of success and responsibility… and I don’t know if I’m ready for it yet.
This time last year I was broke on my tush, falling in love with a boy, stressing over third year uni, hating my job and stuck in that awkward phase of eighteen and twenty. Run the trackside for one whole year, and now my life has completely altered. In 2017 I turned twenty, graduated university and got hired as a Junior Editor at MyCityLife. I did amazing things in 2017, but I also did some horrible things too. I smelt rotten poo for 4 days straight at my first festival camping experience, lost my credit card 3 TIMES and experienced brutal cyst acne on my forehead. Would I change any of it? Probably. But can I change any of it? No. And god forbid I say this, but I’M OKAY WITH THAT.
Last year I began to learn to accept the simple fact that time cannot be controlled. Sure, we can plan and work hard to create a prototype of what the future will be like, but things will change irregardless of personal schemes. I’m not saying don’t live hard, I’m just saying live smart. Don’t wish to grow up too fast, stop giving time to people who don’t want or need it, and ultimately really consider that when the sand in the hourglass comes to a halt, are you proud of who you are and the life you lived?
Maybe it is superficial to believe that we can all reset our body clocks at the strike of 12; that our magical New Years Resolutions will somehow change our old habits and create new paths. But why the heck would you not try? Whether you make a physical or a mental list, try and lick your wounds, cement the cracks that have been irritating you for so long, and dream things courageously and pursue them fearlessly. Just fucking live.
The biggest year for me yet will undoubtedly be 2018. I’ll be making one of the biggest moves of my life to date, and placing myself in a context that goes beyond my regular comfort bubble. But for now, it’s time to go unsubscribe from random retail emails and learn how to count to ten in French (these are two of my New Year Resolutions). Learning how to accept time and change is another HUGE resolution of mine. I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to tickle fight and french kiss time and change, but I can maybe shake hands with it and welcome them in to my house after wiping their feet on the doormat.
To both the lost and the hopeful: this year is your year…just like it has always been since the dawn of birth. If you put negative energy out into the world, that is what you will receive. Be a little more kinder, happier and braver. I wish you the greatest odds this year, and I hope 2018 brings you a great time of change.
Love,
Katelyn x
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